Patrick Hastie is a goddamn comedian.

Apr 17
Ben’s Pizzeria in Greenwich Village is most famous for being the place that Louis CK eats at in the opening credits of “Louie”, however it is also now known as the place where I was taking a shit, a guy opened the door on me and then announced to the whole restaurant “YO I JUST SAW THAT DUDE’S CRANK!”

Ben’s Pizzeria in Greenwich Village is most famous for being the place that Louis CK eats at in the opening credits of “Louie”, however it is also now known as the place where I was taking a shit, a guy opened the door on me and then announced to the whole restaurant “YO I JUST SAW THAT DUDE’S CRANK!”

Apr 17
I’m doing a set at the Greenwich Village Comedy Club tonight at 7:30pm!
You should come!

I’m doing a set at the Greenwich Village Comedy Club tonight at 7:30pm!

You should come!

Apr 16

The Bomb Shelter Stand Up Comedy Showcase is 2 years old!

image

Two years ago my friend John Eide and I started The Bomb Shelter Stand Up Comedy Showcase at The Beechwood Lounge in Des Moines. Ashley Huck had been running a great show there before us, and we wanted to keep that vibe going as a fun place to show-off how fucking good the Des Moines Comedy Scene was.

Well, now John lives in Chicago and I am in New York, but the show is still going strong thanks to Live Live Music and our friends Gideon Hambright, Luke Ritter and Ryan Solomon.

Over the last two years The Bomb Shelter has had over 50 stand up comedians, 4 improvisors and 1 jam band!

So thanks to the following people for making the show the coolest place to be on the last Friday every month in Des Moines: Tommy Morgan Jr, Billy Short, Mike Kitzman, Brad Gilbert, Greg Althoff, Brand Ream, Alex Carter, Ashley Huck, Andrew Lopez, Toll McGrane, Derek Moulds, Jack Lewis, Travis Cherniss, Wes Cozad, Matt Vondrak, Tim Schifsky, Joey Ficken, Greg Timmerman, Scott VerMulm, Marc Von Ahnen, Morgan Hart, Joel Fry, Nick Costanzo, Ben Herman, Dan Umthun, Preston Tompkins, Zach Reinert, Kristy Hartsgrove-Moores, Daniel Frana, Peter Tornabane, Brad Turk, Jack Comstock, Dusty Stahl, Stephen Smith, Abby Rosenquist, Kyle O’Reilly, Firesale, Chris Schlicting, Anything Improv, Sireono Sheley, Doug Stone, Anthony Lobaito, Jordan Tuerler, Mike Lucas, Andrew Cline, Dan Cole, Annie Hildebrand, Noah Innis, Julie Bane, Peter Banachowski, Mike Lebovitz, Spencer Loucks and of course Gideon Hambright, Luke Ritter, Ryan Solomon and John Eide!

This is a link to the April show which also happens to be Luke Ritter’s last before moving to New York, so you should definitely go.

Here’s to many more years!

Long live The Bomb Shelter!

Long live Des Moines Comedy!

Apr 16
10 years ago when I was in college, everyone kept talking about “Chuck Norris facts”. Well, I didn’t like Chuck Norris and neither did my friend Christian, so we asked ourselves, “who is someone that WE can immortalize?” and came up with the only answer possible: James Fucking Lipton.
So these are our James Lipton facts from 2004…- James Lipton told you’re parents about that abortion you had.
- James Lipton will run for president in 2016, and ultimately win. While in office, he will make it mandatory for all Americans, to memorize every line from his favorite film, the Coen brothers “Raising Arizona”.
-James Lipton killed the other daughter from Family Matters. Not Laura, but the other one.
-James Lipton was conceived by Gloria Carter and Adaness Revees, who made love under the Sycamore trees, which makes him a more sicker M.C. than his mother would claim.
-James Lipton will be the first man to win a Pulitzer Prize for a guest appearance on a television show as the warden on Arrested Development. He will win this prize in 2011 a good 7 years after the show aired.
-James Lipton doesn’t believe in Jesus Christ.
-James Lipton was born in 1926, which makes him 83 years old. However, in 2001 he took the head of Duncan McCloud, making him an immortal, or “highlander”.
-James Lipton used to feel worthless cause his shirts wasn’t matching his gear.
-James Lipton was born on February 31st.
-James Lipton recently recovered the sheet music to a musical, “Sherry!” that he wrote thirty-seven years ago. The sheet music was feared to have been burned in a fire but was instead sent to the wrong storage facility and ended up at the Library of Congress with the other contents of the storage unit. The music has been produced and is now available on CD. This isn’t that great of a fact, but in all fairness, how many musicals did you write thirty-seven years ago asshole?
-James Lipton only drinks Brisk Iced Tea, because, as he puts it, “It’s brisk, you dumb suneva bitch”.
-James Lipton was interviewing Gary Busey, on April 14th, 1993, when Busey turned around Lipton’s famous question “What is your favorite curse word?” and instead of answering, asked Lipton what his was. Lipton then cursed solid for 13 days. There are 3 (known) tapes of the footage, however, censors bleeped the entire mess out. The Audio department at University of Miami (Ohio) has said the curse word started with an “F” and ended with an “L”.
-James Lipton holds the record for longest bleep ever recorded by a censor. (see above James Lipton fact).
-James Lipton was with River Phoenix the night he died.
-James Lipton has a tattoo on his back that says “Talk to my boy Coolie about paying the bill.”
-James Lipton gave the state of Hawaii its name.
-James Lipton shared a small apartment with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in 1995. Lipton was actually the basis for the character of “Will” in the duo’s Oscar winning script, “Good Will Hunting” which was originally titled “James Lipton’s Cum Rag”.
-James Lipton did an uncredited script rewrite on every episode of “The George Lopez Show”.
-James Lipton owns a robot.
-James Lipton bought H.G. Well’s bones from the Well’s estate in 1976.
-James Lipton was the famed Watergate informant “Deep Throat”.
-James Lipton was producer of the adult film classic “Deep Throat”
-James Lipton was originally supposed to play the role of Han Solo in Star Wars, but had to turn it down because every time he walked on set, Carrie Fisher would have a wild orgasm.
-James Lipton owns 47 guns, 29 swords and 2 knives.
-James Lipton’s blockbuster video account number is 2325498666.
-James Lipton doesn’t have a social security number, because he doesn’t beleive in them.
-James Lipton was the producer for President Jimmy Carter’s Inaugural Gala, the first Presidential Inaugural Gala to be televised. Also the producer of 12 Bob Hope Birthday Specials.
-James Lipton was given Star Trek star Deforst Kelley’s body when he died. This was in accordance with Mr. Kelley’s last will and testament.
-James Lipton’s favorite food is Peep’s.
-James Lipton’s favorite holiday is Easter. (see above James Lipton Fact)
-James Lipton has a pet dog named “James Lipton”.
-James Lipton does not find Will Farrel’s portrayal of him on the popular television sketch comedy show “Saturday Night Live” amusing.
-James Lipton’s middle name is Saul. This makes his name run together, JAMESAULIPTON.
-James Lipton wears a “Citizen King” band t-shirt underneath all of his suits.
-James Lipton can play the guitar better than you.
-James Lipton briefly filled in for Zach De La Rocha during a Rage Against the Machine tour in 1999.
-James Lipton can flow.
-James Lipton has never once been called “Jim” or “Jimmy”.
-James Lipton is great friends with Roseanne star John Goodman and refers to him as “Johnny B. Goodman”.
-James Lipton is credited for the creation of the popular television series M*A*S*H. He did not write it, however, he did start the Korean War in 1950 when he wrote an open letter to the North Korean press stating “You are all cunty”. This led to the police action, which led to the writing of the film, which later paved the way for the television show.
-James Lipton has never worn gloves.
-James Lipton hates the children’s cartoon “The Busy World of Richard Scarry”, but he doesn’t know why.
-James Lipton will eat any type of food for money.
-James Lipton, along with Bill Shatner and Robert DeNiro successfully gave Leonardo DiCaprio his first erection.
-James Lipton will take Dakota Fanning’s virginity.
-James Lipton will take Sean Connery’s head.
-James Lipton did not learn to read until he was 27. In an interview with Barbara Walters in 1978, he said the never had any reason to learn, since “chicks would always read stuff for him.”
-James Lipton released 5 rap albums between 1994 and 2004, under the stage name “Nas”.
-James Lipton will win a Tony Award in 2011 for his portrayal of Dr. Emmett Brown, in the Broadway rendition of “Back To The Future part Two”.
-James Lipton’s publicist has confirmed that he dated Jessica Simpson, while she was still married to Nick Lachey.
-James Lipton has never dated a big woman.
-James Lipton played professional hockey for two years in the early 90’s. He was an offensive left wing, for the Pittsburgh Penguins during their back to back Stanley Cup wins.
-James Lipton told Jean-Claude Van Damme that he considered him “A dumb baby”, when the two met on the set of “Sudden Death”. (see above James Lipton fact).
-James Lipton thinks that Dave Matthews Band is a bunch of bullshit, however he does acknowledge that learning to play the song “Crash” on guitar will get you laid.
-James Lipton’s wife, Nina Lipton, legally changed her first name to James in 1990.
-James Lipton was a very shy child growing up. He was into sports, and a funny story is, at 4 he taught himself how to ride a bike. A two wheeler at that. Isn’t that special?
-James Lipton beta tested the XBOX-360 console for Microsoft. He wasn’t impressed.
-James Lipton has reportedly seen the film “Slackers” 310 times.
-James Lipton wears boxers.
-James Lipton once rode a bike from Albany, New York to Bakersfield, California and back again in 2 weeks. On his arrival back in Albany, he called Lance Armstrong and challenged him to a fist fight.
-James Lipton knows who killed Tupac, but was sworn to silence by the American government, who are covering up the murder.
-James Lipton will tell you who killed Tupac for $150 and a pack of Peeps. (see above James Lipton fact).
-James Lipton’s breath is always minty fresh.
-James Lipton has a pet dragon named “James Lipton”.
-James Lipton invented the strawberry shortcake. No, not the dessert.
-James Lipton will snap his fingers on October 10th, 2018. At that moment, everyone in the northern hemisphere will shit their pants.
-James Lipton has plans to become a cyborg in the future, just to even the playing field.
-James Lipton is 3/4 black.
-James Lipton signs all contracts in blood. Not his own blood, but the blood of Hollywood actor John Wayne.
-James Lipton hates the way you talk to your mother.
-James Lipton wanted “Inside the Actor’s Studio” to be called “Hollywood is a Bitch, and James Lipton is her Pimp”. When the producers disapproved, it so broke James’ heart that for 3 months he would not speak with anyone unless they addressed him as “James Lipton, king of broken hearts world wide.”
-James Lipton dropped out of the 1970 Mr. Olympia contest the day before finals, making it so Arnold Schwarzenegger won by default. He had missed the contest, due to banging some rando he met at a bar.
-James Lipton met Maria Shriver in 1970. (see above James Lipton fact).
-James Lipton survived Apollo 11.
-James Lipton sued God in 1983 over the title of his book “The Bible: The King James Version”.
-James Lipton’s favorite basketball team is the Toronto Raptors, even though his illegitimate son, Lebron, plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
-James Lipton was born February 31st, weighing in at 10 pounds and 8 ounces. He was the last of 4 children, the only one who didn’t give his mother any pain when she gave birth to him. And that’s how she knew he was a special child.
-James Lipton is an original member of the band Savage Garden.
-James Lipton was voiced the female mouse airplane mechanic “Gadget” in the 80’s cartoon “Chip’n’Dale’s Rescue Rangers”.
-James Lipton organized a volunteer fire department made up completely of male exotic dancers called “Chippendales Rescue Rangers”.
-James Lipton received 200,000 votes in California’s 2003 gubernatorial election.
-James Lipton’s life story has been made into a Hollywood film called “Without a Paddle” starring Seth Green, Dax Shepard and Matthew Lillard.
-James Lipton once smacked Margret Thatcher on national tv. Inside sources say it was the best 170 pounds of pressure she’s ever experienced.
-James Lipton drinks pomegranate juice just to make you look like a jerk. You jerk.
-James Lipton musical fact: Color Me Bad’s mega-hit, “I wanna Sex You Up,” is about James Lipton’s personal relationship with the Dali Lama of Tibet

10 years ago when I was in college, everyone kept talking about “Chuck Norris facts”. Well, I didn’t like Chuck Norris and neither did my friend Christian, so we asked ourselves, “who is someone that WE can immortalize?” and came up with the only answer possible: James Fucking Lipton.

So these are our James Lipton facts from 2004…

- James Lipton told you’re parents about that abortion you had.

- James Lipton will run for president in 2016, and ultimately win. While in office, he will make it mandatory for all Americans, to memorize every line from his favorite film, the Coen brothers “Raising Arizona”.

-James Lipton killed the other daughter from Family Matters. Not Laura, but the other one.

-James Lipton was conceived by Gloria Carter and Adaness Revees, who made love under the Sycamore trees, which makes him a more sicker M.C. than his mother would claim.

-James Lipton will be the first man to win a Pulitzer Prize for a guest appearance on a television show as the warden on Arrested Development. He will win this prize in 2011 a good 7 years after the show aired.

-James Lipton doesn’t believe in Jesus Christ.

-James Lipton was born in 1926, which makes him 83 years old. However, in 2001 he took the head of Duncan McCloud, making him an immortal, or “highlander”.

-James Lipton used to feel worthless cause his shirts wasn’t matching his gear.

-James Lipton was born on February 31st.

-James Lipton recently recovered the sheet music to a musical, “Sherry!” that he wrote thirty-seven years ago. The sheet music was feared to have been burned in a fire but was instead sent to the wrong storage facility and ended up at the Library of Congress with the other contents of the storage unit. The music has been produced and is now available on CD. This isn’t that great of a fact, but in all fairness, how many musicals did you write thirty-seven years ago asshole?

-James Lipton only drinks Brisk Iced Tea, because, as he puts it, “It’s brisk, you dumb suneva bitch”.

-James Lipton was interviewing Gary Busey, on April 14th, 1993, when Busey turned around Lipton’s famous question “What is your favorite curse word?” and instead of answering, asked Lipton what his was. Lipton then cursed solid for 13 days. There are 3 (known) tapes of the footage, however, censors bleeped the entire mess out. The Audio department at University of Miami (Ohio) has said the curse word started with an “F” and ended with an “L”.

-James Lipton holds the record for longest bleep ever recorded by a censor. (see above James Lipton fact).

-James Lipton was with River Phoenix the night he died.

-James Lipton has a tattoo on his back that says “Talk to my boy Coolie about paying the bill.”

-James Lipton gave the state of Hawaii its name.

-James Lipton shared a small apartment with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in 1995. Lipton was actually the basis for the character of “Will” in the duo’s Oscar winning script, “Good Will Hunting” which was originally titled “James Lipton’s Cum Rag”.

-James Lipton did an uncredited script rewrite on every episode of “The George Lopez Show”.

-James Lipton owns a robot.

-James Lipton bought H.G. Well’s bones from the Well’s estate in 1976.

-James Lipton was the famed Watergate informant “Deep Throat”.

-James Lipton was producer of the adult film classic “Deep Throat”

-James Lipton was originally supposed to play the role of Han Solo in Star Wars, but had to turn it down because every time he walked on set, Carrie Fisher would have a wild orgasm.

-James Lipton owns 47 guns, 29 swords and 2 knives.

-James Lipton’s blockbuster video account number is 2325498666.

-James Lipton doesn’t have a social security number, because he doesn’t beleive in them.

-James Lipton was the producer for President Jimmy Carter’s Inaugural Gala, the first Presidential Inaugural Gala to be televised. Also the producer of 12 Bob Hope Birthday Specials.

-James Lipton was given Star Trek star Deforst Kelley’s body when he died. This was in accordance with Mr. Kelley’s last will and testament.

-James Lipton’s favorite food is Peep’s.

-James Lipton’s favorite holiday is Easter. (see above James Lipton Fact)

-James Lipton has a pet dog named “James Lipton”.

-James Lipton does not find Will Farrel’s portrayal of him on the popular television sketch comedy show “Saturday Night Live” amusing.

-James Lipton’s middle name is Saul. This makes his name run together, JAMESAULIPTON.

-James Lipton wears a “Citizen King” band t-shirt underneath all of his suits.

-James Lipton can play the guitar better than you.

-James Lipton briefly filled in for Zach De La Rocha during a Rage Against the Machine tour in 1999.

-James Lipton can flow.

-James Lipton has never once been called “Jim” or “Jimmy”.

-James Lipton is great friends with Roseanne star John Goodman and refers to him as “Johnny B. Goodman”.

-James Lipton is credited for the creation of the popular television series M*A*S*H. He did not write it, however, he did start the Korean War in 1950 when he wrote an open letter to the North Korean press stating “You are all cunty”. This led to the police action, which led to the writing of the film, which later paved the way for the television show.

-James Lipton has never worn gloves.

-James Lipton hates the children’s cartoon “The Busy World of Richard Scarry”, but he doesn’t know why.

-James Lipton will eat any type of food for money.

-James Lipton, along with Bill Shatner and Robert DeNiro successfully gave Leonardo DiCaprio his first erection.

-James Lipton will take Dakota Fanning’s virginity.

-James Lipton will take Sean Connery’s head.

-James Lipton did not learn to read until he was 27. In an interview with Barbara Walters in 1978, he said the never had any reason to learn, since “chicks would always read stuff for him.”

-James Lipton released 5 rap albums between 1994 and 2004, under the stage name “Nas”.

-James Lipton will win a Tony Award in 2011 for his portrayal of Dr. Emmett Brown, in the Broadway rendition of “Back To The Future part Two”.

-James Lipton’s publicist has confirmed that he dated Jessica Simpson, while she was still married to Nick Lachey.

-James Lipton has never dated a big woman.

-James Lipton played professional hockey for two years in the early 90’s. He was an offensive left wing, for the Pittsburgh Penguins during their back to back Stanley Cup wins.

-James Lipton told Jean-Claude Van Damme that he considered him “A dumb baby”, when the two met on the set of “Sudden Death”. (see above James Lipton fact).

-James Lipton thinks that Dave Matthews Band is a bunch of bullshit, however he does acknowledge that learning to play the song “Crash” on guitar will get you laid.

-James Lipton’s wife, Nina Lipton, legally changed her first name to James in 1990.

-James Lipton was a very shy child growing up. He was into sports, and a funny story is, at 4 he taught himself how to ride a bike. A two wheeler at that. Isn’t that special?

-James Lipton beta tested the XBOX-360 console for Microsoft. He wasn’t impressed.

-James Lipton has reportedly seen the film “Slackers” 310 times.

-James Lipton wears boxers.

-James Lipton once rode a bike from Albany, New York to Bakersfield, California and back again in 2 weeks. On his arrival back in Albany, he called Lance Armstrong and challenged him to a fist fight.

-James Lipton knows who killed Tupac, but was sworn to silence by the American government, who are covering up the murder.

-James Lipton will tell you who killed Tupac for $150 and a pack of Peeps. (see above James Lipton fact).

-James Lipton’s breath is always minty fresh.

-James Lipton has a pet dragon named “James Lipton”.

-James Lipton invented the strawberry shortcake. No, not the dessert.

-James Lipton will snap his fingers on October 10th, 2018. At that moment, everyone in the northern hemisphere will shit their pants.

-James Lipton has plans to become a cyborg in the future, just to even the playing field.

-James Lipton is 3/4 black.

-James Lipton signs all contracts in blood. Not his own blood, but the blood of Hollywood actor John Wayne.

-James Lipton hates the way you talk to your mother.

-James Lipton wanted “Inside the Actor’s Studio” to be called “Hollywood is a Bitch, and James Lipton is her Pimp”. When the producers disapproved, it so broke James’ heart that for 3 months he would not speak with anyone unless they addressed him as “James Lipton, king of broken hearts world wide.”

-James Lipton dropped out of the 1970 Mr. Olympia contest the day before finals, making it so Arnold Schwarzenegger won by default. He had missed the contest, due to banging some rando he met at a bar.

-James Lipton met Maria Shriver in 1970. (see above James Lipton fact).

-James Lipton survived Apollo 11.

-James Lipton sued God in 1983 over the title of his book “The Bible: The King James Version”.

-James Lipton’s favorite basketball team is the Toronto Raptors, even though his illegitimate son, Lebron, plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

-James Lipton was born February 31st, weighing in at 10 pounds and 8 ounces. He was the last of 4 children, the only one who didn’t give his mother any pain when she gave birth to him. And that’s how she knew he was a special child.

-James Lipton is an original member of the band Savage Garden.

-James Lipton was voiced the female mouse airplane mechanic “Gadget” in the 80’s cartoon “Chip’n’Dale’s Rescue Rangers”.

-James Lipton organized a volunteer fire department made up completely of male exotic dancers called “Chippendales Rescue Rangers”.

-James Lipton received 200,000 votes in California’s 2003 gubernatorial election.

-James Lipton’s life story has been made into a Hollywood film called “Without a Paddle” starring Seth Green, Dax Shepard and Matthew Lillard.

-James Lipton once smacked Margret Thatcher on national tv. Inside sources say it was the best 170 pounds of pressure she’s ever experienced.

-James Lipton drinks pomegranate juice just to make you look like a jerk. You jerk.

-James Lipton musical fact: Color Me Bad’s mega-hit, “I wanna Sex You Up,” is about James Lipton’s personal relationship with the Dali Lama of Tibet

Apr 13

Two years ago I wrote this tumblr post all about why I started doing comedy and what it was like being one year in. When I wrote it I was brand new and excited. I finally found the thing that I wanted to do with my life and it was exhilarating. I stand by the advice I gave (even though reading the words 7 Stand Up Comedy Commandments makes my skin crawl).

Last year I wrote this tumblr post all about what it was like being two years in. I was really angry when I wrote this one, but I don’t think it comes through. I still stand by the advice I gave in it as well.

Well now I’m three years in. Three fucking years. Geesh.

In the last 12 months I put out a comedy EP called “The Baby Comic”, I moved to New York City, I made a bunch of new friends, met a bunch of awesome comedians and I did two comedy festivals (Out of Bounds and Green Gravel Comedy Festival). I also bombed at about 200 open mics. It was a pretty great year.

I don’t really have any new advice or words of wisdom this year. Who am I to give advice anyway? I don’t know shit. Maybe I’ll have something new and exciting for next year.

Anyways, I’ll leave you with links to stuff that I think any comic would find interesting/helpful. Please follow/support the people who created these!

Read John Roy’s Entirely Free Comedy Classes!

Read Jackie Kashian’s How to Be A Zen Comic by Vanda Michaels!

Read For Comics Planning on Moving to NYC by Andy Sandford

Read Stand Up Comedy, The Bible, and the 10,000 Hour Rule by Caleb Synan

Watch/Read “Kyle Kinane, roughly 2 years into standup”!

Listen to Ari Shaffir Shares Advice With Young Comics at the Comedy Store

Listen to Murray Valeriano’s Road Stories podcast episode “Armenians & Applebees”  featuring Jackie Kashian & Kira Soltanovich!

Listen to Episode 6 of Making it with Riki Lindhome with guest Anthony Jeselnik!

Listen to The Champs Podcast with guest Chris Rock!

Listen to Episode 30 of You Made it Weird with guest Kyle Kinane!

Watch the films “Punching the Clown”, “Sleepwalk With Me”, ”Comedian" & "I Am Comic”!

H.A.K.A.S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Apr 08

Hey folks, here is 8 minutes of me doing stand up comedy!

I talk about Domino’s Pizza and a tv show no one has ever heard of!

Bye!

Apr 07
Hey folks, I’m on this awesome show tonight at MWhite Bar in Manhattan!
Also on the show are these hilarious people: Matt Ringler, Sue Smith, Mike Gillerman, Garett Barnes, Bob Bell, Mick Diflo and Leanne Linsky!
You should come and bring some fucking friends!

Hey folks, I’m on this awesome show tonight at MWhite Bar in Manhattan!

Also on the show are these hilarious people: Matt Ringler, Sue Smith, Mike Gillerman, Garett Barnes, Bob Bell, Mick Diflo and Leanne Linsky!

You should come and bring some fucking friends!

Apr 05

Watch this video of my friend Luke Ritter singing his hilarious songs.

He’s gonna be here in New York City in about a month so get ready!

Apr 03

And on a More Serious Note… A Few Thoughts on Guns!

Update: I now know that most people on military bases don’t carry guns. It doesn’t change my opinion at all. Thanks.

So when a movie theater gets shot up, pro-gun types say: “THOSE MOVIE-GOERS SHOULD HAVE HAD GUNS! WE NEED MORE GUNS!”

And when a mall gets shot up, pro-gun types say: "THOSE SHOPPERS SHOULD HAVE HAD GUNS! WE NEED MORE GUNS!"

And when an elementary school gets shot up, pro-gun types say: "THOSE TEACHERS SHOULD HAVE HAD GUNS! WE NEED MORE GUNS!"

But when a military base gets shot up…

I mean…

They all had guns…

And it still happened…

So…

Maybe we need less guns?

BUT PATRICK, THE CONSTITUTION GIVES US THE RIGHT TO HAVE GUNS!

I studied the Constitution quite a bit at Iowa State (GO CYCLONES). In the constitution our founding fathers referred to non-free people as being 3/5ths of a person [Art 1, Sec 2] and allowed such peoples to be legally migrated and imported into the United States for sale, as long as it was done so by the year 1808 (20 years after the ratification of the document) [Art 1, Sec 9]. And the founding fathers specifically put into the Constitution that if a non-free 3/5ths person escapes to another state, they shall be caught and delivered back to their owner [Art 4, Sec 2].

In hindsight, those are really fucked up things. Which is why we’re lucky that the founding fathers also included Article 5 into the Constitution which allows the document to be amended.

An Amendment is like an update or a “yes and”. We all know the right to freedom of speech [1] and the right to bear arms [2], and in 1865 we invoked Article 5 and amended the Constitution and abolished slavery [13], because shit had changed in our country and so shit had to change in our Constitution. Later we’d prohibit the manufacture and sale of alcohol [18], give Women the right to vote [19] and repeal the prohibition of the manufacture and sale of alcohol [21].

Thomas Jefferson said that “laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind”. People have to stop acting like the Constitution is a bible. Passages of the bible don’t have parts written in 1992.

So hiding behind the idea that “we deserve the right to have guns” is total fucking bullshit. The times have changed.

BUT PATRICK, GUNS ARE TOOLS, THEY ARE NOT INHERENTLY EVIL OR GOOD. NO MORE THAN A HAMMER OR A SCREWDRIVER. GUNS ARE USED FOR SELF DEFENSE, SPORT, HUNTING AND INVESTMENTS!

When you carry a concealed Glock 17 or a Bereta Nano into a public place, it is not so that you can use it as a tool. It is not so that you can hunt with it, or so that you can target practice with it, or so that you can investments with it (not sure what that means really). It is strictly for self defense, and self defense is in the eye of the defender.

BUT PATRICK, WHENEVER ANYONE IS IN TROUBLE, THEY PRAY FOR A GOOD GUY TO SHOW UP WITH A GUN!

I’ve NEVER, nor will I ever, be in a situation where I hope that someone shows up with a gun. Good or bad. I hate guns. With all my heart. When I lived in a East New York (one of the worst neighborhoods in Brooklyn), I was always much more afraid of the “good” guy with a gun than the “bad” guy with a gun. Because the “bad” guy with the gun has a plan and more than likely, I’m not a part of that plan. He’s on offense, he knows the play. The ”good” guy is reacting, that’s when bad shit happens and if they aren’t playing defense, then they aren’t the “good” guy.

BUT PATRICK, IRRESPONSIBLE DRIVERS STILL GET LICENSES AND KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE AS WELL. SHOULD WE BAN CARS?

When I’m driving, I might not know the mental state of the people around me on the road, but I do know who has a car. If someone cuts me off, I honk, and they begin to drive in a way that puts me in danger, I’m aware of it. Cars aren’t concealed. Plus I’m also in a car, so an idiot driver vs a smart driver makes things a little more fair. I could still die in this situation, but at least I’m aware there is a situation.

When I’m in a mall, or a theater, or an elementary school, not only do I not know the mental state of the people around me, but I also don’t know who has a concealed gun (legally or illegally). So if someone get’s mad because they have decided that I’ve done something wrong, my only reaction is to assume that they have a gun and immediately leave. Because I don’t want to get shot.

SO PATRICK, YOU’RE CALLING FOR A BAN ON GUNS!

I hate guns. I’m anti-gun.

But since I understand guns are never gonna go away (thanks to lobbyists from manufacturers and groups like the NRA preying on the lower-middle class), I’m instead anti-concealed gun.

I think that if you feel you need a pistol or a glock to keep yourself safe, and the local or state government gives you the go ahead to carry a gun in public, then you should have to wear it on your belt in a holster like police officers do. That way, I still wouldn’t know the mental state of the people around me, but I would know who has a gun and those are the people I’d stay the fuck away from. Much like how when I’m on the highway and I see a driver swerving back and forth, I stay the fuck away from them.

Dictated, not read.

2 Kings 2:24.

Apr 01

Green Gravel Comedy Festival was a blast. Here are some photos. More will probably come later!

Thanks to Lee, Evan, Derek and Matt for putting it on!