If we ever get high together, be sure to ask me about my Knights of Columbus/9-11/Diego Maradona theory. #YouWontBeLetDown
My favorite thing about divorce is all the horrible things the kids go through.
Is “Google +” supposed to be read “Google Plus” or “Google Positive: The Virus that Causes AIDS”?
Can you imagine how thrilling it would’ve been to be a part of the “Coed Naked” t-shirts writers room, circa 1992? #Goosebumps
With “The League”, “It’s Always Sunny”, “Louie” & “Archer” is it safe to say that FX is to comedy as AMC is to drama? #ItIs
Goodnight Twitter. Call your Mom tomorrow for me. Unless she’s dead. If she’s dead, feel sad & weird as you read this tweet for me. #Thanks
Episode 2 of The Tolstoi Made Shoes Podcast with (drunk) guest @Travis_Kirk , Enjoy! http://t.co/3wGq8F2
RT @PhilipCNicholas: @PatrickHastie Hamfatter #fatbands its a real band from UK. I shit you not.
You ever wonder if Chewbacca and Worf ever talked about trading sashes for like a week? You know, just to see how the other half lives?
"Franklin was the dog GRMPA had. this dog on TV looks the same. UR cousin Heather had a baby boy named Dillun" #LateNightTextsFromMyMom
I thought I saw an Angel once. Up on the roof of the bank, it was beautiful. Then it jumped! That’s when I realized it was just a sad teen.
RT @bonbu: I measure the importance of new information in “number of Bothans who died to bring it to me”.
RT @gregorthecat: Total lifetime cost of space shuttle program was $196 billion. Seems like a pretty good deal, when AIG bailout alone c …
"You got so much buzz outta them you chucked a tv out the window." - Murray
"Now I’m a big fan of pornography, you know that about me Geoffrey." - Me talking to a guy named Geoffrey about my love of pornography.
Happy 4th of July folks! Or as I always remember it, the Anniversary of the day I saw my cousin Ricky blow his hand off with a roman candle.
Ok, I’m going to @8035.